


It's just looking

by Howling_Harpy



Category: Band of Brothers
Genre: Bad Sex, Denial of Feelings, Getting Together, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mutual Pining, Period-Typical Homophobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 20:08:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20981624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howling_Harpy/pseuds/Howling_Harpy
Summary: Lewis would never make an actual move on Dick, but he could allow himself a bit of fun with one handsome English devil.





	It's just looking

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah I didn't miss the amount of homoerotic tension in that scene in Crossroads either. I just had to write this fic, I just had to.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a piece of fiction based on the HBO drama series and the actors’ portrayals in it. This has nothing to do with any real person represented in the series, and means no disrespect.

Lewis knew very well what he was and he was relatively alright with it. What was one more speck of misery in his life after all?  
He already had his entire life dictated for him, his loneliness, his memories and scars from his father’s belt, and his suffocating marriage to a woman who had been his friend and was slowly realizing he didn’t love her. But it was alright, that was just how things were for him, and they could have been worse. At least he had the means to comfort himself with liquor and the money to keep his supply well-stocked, and as long as Kathy thought that he only didn’t love her instead of being outright unable to, all was well. 

Besides, it wasn’t like Lewis was completely without joy in life. His years in a boarding school had been more educational than originally intended and he had had the luxury of sampling his heart’s pleasure, and then the war in Europe had overflowed and the army had whisked him away from the endless boredom. 

Even better, Lewis could always look. Just look. Looking was all fun and games, it was innocent and harmless, nothing ever came of it, it was fine. 

He never looked at Dick like he wanted to when they were face to face, he had trained himself too well to make mistakes like that, but he could sneak a peek when Dick wasn’t looking. Lewis could admire him freely during classes, in the mess hall line, when he was brushing his teeth, when they were running, when he turned away and walked out of a room. All those moments and a hundred more like them were times when Dick had his attention turned elsewhere, they had absolutely no reason to search for each other’s gazes, and so Lewis could indulge himself. 

He only wanted to look, that was all. He could have that much.

And then Dick looked back. 

When Lewis was watching him leave, he would glance back at him to get one last look, and that was when their eyes met. He looked at Lewis through the mirror and over his shoulder. He found him in a crowd and lit up when their eyes met. Two men sneaking around in secret found each other.

It could have been just their friendship, which was what it should have been. They fit together in a way Lewis in his twenties already knew not to take for granted, and rapidly became each other’s closest friends, and it was only natural to be happy and excited to spend time with your friend. That was what this was about, Lewis was sure. 

But it went on, those accidentally meeting and lingering looks, accompanied by bumping shoulders and conspiring smiles. It was like that already at Toccoa, went on at Benning, and by the time they were transferred to England they both silently knew that these looks were not accidental.

Lewis was absolutely mortified. He knew he should stop everything he was doing and forget about it, if not for his own sake then at least for Dick. Dick, who was kind and well-mannered and honourable and didn’t swear or drink and who went to church and was so utterly dedicated and selfless – Lewis could never forgive himself if he ruined that. 

Luckily war turned out to be a lot of work and it kept them busy. Lewis was with the battalion staff while Dick was with the Easy company, neither one of them ever lacking in work to do

Lewis was afraid for Dick every single moment he was out in the line, but he clung to that fear in order to drown the other more unsavoury thoughts out and hoped that the reality of war would clear Dick’ mind too. It would only be the matter of time, and then the looking would stop. 

Of course they were often billeted together as they were both officers, but Lewis found that he was actually incapable of saying no to sharing a room with Dick. He wanted to be there with him, even if it meant sleeping on the floor and then being kicked awake by his best friend at the crack of dawn. It was in Holland that Lewis finally had to admit to himself that things had gotten completely out of hand and that it wasn’t just looking anymore. He had always thought it would be fine as long as he didn’t do anything, but he was definitely feeling all sorts of things and wanting them too, and Dick’s constant presence was making it worse. 

Dick was still looking back too, mirroring everything that Lewis felt and wanted, and what Lewis feared more than anything was when Dick would finally make a move. 

Operation Pegasus kept them busy next, and Lewis was relieved to be taken away from Dick for a while, even delighted a little bit when he met the British Colonel he was handed over to.

Colonel Dobie had a reputation that made Lewis wonder if the British paratroopers were called red devils solely because of him. He was dedicated, sharp and daring, and most importantly he had a very keen look in his eyes when he shook Lewis’ hand. Lewis knew he had been made at the same moment he understood the exact tone of the look in the Colonel’s eyes. 

There was mischievous flirt there, the kind that could be easily brushed off and turned into a joke, but when Lewis returned the look and chuckled at his play on their differing slangs, that flirt turned into a serious challenge. 

The Colonel wanted him, and Lewis thought that maybe letting himself be had was exactly what he needed now. 

*

The mission was a success, and the night culminated in a joint party between Easy company and the British 1st Airborne. The night was full of joyous reunions and unbound celebrations, the American and the British mixing without prejudice or trouble.

There was a lot of noise and plenty of alcohol, and in the midst of it Lewis felt bad about how the new battalion commander wasn’t among his old company. He missed Dick, and so in the heights of the party he untangled himself from Harry and their new friends and hurried across the dark yard to the farmhouse. 

Dick was housed in the attic chamber, and Lewis didn’t bother to knock before barging in. 

“Hey, why are you holed up in here? Care to join the party?” Lewis asked.

Dick was sitting at his desk, clearly tired. “No thanks. It’s not really my thing. Knowing everything went fine on the mission is enough.”

“Aw, it’s your loss,” Lewis crooned and planted himself into a chair across from him.

“It’s not like the men would want their commanding officer there to babysit them either.”

“They’d love you. Don’t even doubt that.”

“Yeah, well. It’s been one long day,” Dick said, his voice somewhat strained. He glared at the typewriter like it had done something offensive to him. 

“It sure has,” Lewis sighed and cracked his neck. The intelligence for the mission had been a lot of work that had luckily paid off.

“I’m sorry, Lew, I’ve forgotten to ask how you’ve been holding up,” Dick said with a tired sigh and a warm look.

Lewis was taken aback by the sudden change in demeanour. He hadn’t minded Dick’s sour mood and had been content to let him ride it out like he wanted, and this sudden swoop back into affection made his head spin. “Hm? Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Good intelligence this time, it’s going be a nice report to write for a change,” he chatted away.

“Yeah. Good. That’s good. Moose did well. It was a well-executed rescue mission.”

“I’m sure the Brits are happy to have their own back,” Lewis agreed. The statement was backed up by the noises of celebration still coming from the barn.

Dick’s eyes were suddenly sharp. “Hm. Yeah. I bet Colonel Dobie is very happy with you.”

There was something in his voice too, something that made Lewis be on his guard. He knew the tone, and they really needed to avoid this particular topic that had caused it.

“He’s happy to have his men back,” he said, feigning casual indifference, “you’d be too.”

“Of course. But he’s not with you all the time, and to me he looked like he wanted to thank you personally.” There was no accusation or even an innuendo in Dick’s voice, but still Lewis felt like he was being interrogated.

“I don’t know,” Lewis said, trying to keep his tone noncommittal, but at the same time he knew Dick too well to think he’d be fooled. 

Dick leaned forwards in the chair and leaned his elbows on the desk. He leaned towards Lewis, looked directly at him and spoke with a low voice heavy with meaning: “To me it looked like you’d like to go and accept his thanks too.”

“I don’t know.”

“But I do. I have eyes, and I was standing right there, Lew.” Now there definitely was something cold in Dick’s voice, something steely and impatient too. “I’ve been standing right here for a very long time.”

Lewis couldn’t find any words. Dick knew that he got it and understood what he meant, and feigning stupidity now would only annoy Dick. 

Dick put his hands on the desk and clasped them together, casually picking at his fingernails. He stared down at his hands as he spoke: “We’ve been friends for years, haven’t we, Lew?”

“Yeah,” Lewis could only say.

“We’re best friends, aren’t we?” 

“Yeah.”

Dick nodded and then without a warning looked straight at Lewis, nailing him on the spot with a gaze that was as decisive as it was vulnerable. “I don’t want you to accept Colonel Dobie’s thanks, Lew.” 

There was absolutely no way to run circles around that. Dick’s meaning was all too clear. Lewis swallowed.

“I thought you just weren’t ready so I didn’t press it.” Dick’s voice was so soft, and slowly he inched closer. “If you want to, I’m here. I’m ready for everything with you. You don’t need to go to anyone else.” 

And then Dick’s hand landed on Lewis’ and his fingers gently grasped his. 

Lewis jumped up from his chair, yanking his hand back to him. 

Dick startled up as well, and when Lewis met his eyes they were wide and confused. When Dick opened his mouth to say something, Lewis interrupted: “Don’t!” he snapped. He was cradling his hand to his chest like it had been burned. “Don’t do that.” 

Dick opened and closed his mouth for a moment. “Okay. I’m sorry. I thought you’d want –” he said.

He had used the voice he used to calm freight and panic in his soldiers, only Lewis felt his own rising and he hurried to interrupt: “You don’t want that. You don’t know what you’re doing. It’s for the best.” And before Dick could argue he fled the room. 

*

Colonel Dobie wasn’t that hard to find, probably because he wanted to be found. All evening he had been toasting and drinking and horsing around with his men, openly friendly and happy about being reunited with his troops, and the troops were in just as high spirits about being rescued.

But after so much friendliness and partying, the Colonel had apparently been chummy with his men enough and was strolling outside alone, calming down and languidly smoking a cigarette, and that was where Lewis found him.

“Captain Nixon,” Dobie greeted him with a grin, not at all surprised when Lewis walked up to him at a dark corner. It occurred to Lewis that he might have been waiting for him – or a man like him anyway.

“Evening, Colonel,” Lewis said. His heart was still raising, and he tried to calm it down, hoping that he didn’t look nervous.

“Please, just Dobie is fine,” Dobie said and without prompting took out a silver cigarette case and offered it to Lewis, who accepted. 

“Sure. Thanks.”

Dobie lit his cigarette for him, the gentleman as he was. For a moment they just stood there smoking in comfortable silence. Lewis fidgeted a bit, still riled up by his friend’s sudden confrontation, but under Dobie’s gleaming, steady gaze he started to shift for a whole new reason.

Colonel Dobie was a handsome man and seemed to be best armed with deadly charm. He had sharp cheekbones and cat-like eyes, and even though his accent revealed him as an upper-class man, he had a laid-back feel to him, hands in his pockets and hip lazily tilted. He was the sort of a man that Lewis would have enjoyed looking at, had it not been for Dick. 

That there was the problem: no matter how charming and handsome the Colonel was, for the longest time now Lewis had had eyes for one man only. That needed to end.

Dobie blew out a white cloud of smoke. “I had a good feeling about you the first time I saw you, Captain. I’m glad I was right,” he said.

“It’s good of you mad devils to appreciate us boys with our pens and papers,” Lewis threw back.

Dobie smiled with indulgence. “We do, trust me. Guts mean nothing without wits. And this means I was right too.”

“Oh?” Lewis took the bait willingly.

“Yes. I couldn’t have asked for a better man,” Dobie said. 

Lewis smiled. He accepted the flattery gladly now that he knew he deserved it. There were no baseless claims or sweet lies in the Colonel’s manner, and Lewis respected that. “It’s quite the celebration too. I wonder how our boys will fare tomorrow after a night like this,” he said.

Dobie laughed and threw a look towards the lights and noise, the party clearly still in full swing. “That’s not a mystery at all, rather the query is whether we will go easy on them,” he said, almost fondly. 

“With some mercy and pity, maybe, but never too easy,” Lewis said. He took a deep inhale of his cigarette. “Have you had enough of the party, Colonel?” 

When Dobie turned to look at Lewis again, there was an intent look in his suddenly very warm eyes. “As much as I would have enjoyed drinking myself into oblivion with my men, I needed a little privacy for a change, Captain.” 

Lewis quirked a smile that was half eagerness, half nerves. “And here I am, ruining your private moment,” he sighed in a fake apologetic tone.

“Oh, no, Captain Nixon,” Dobie assured him with the same theatrics, “you are very welcome to join me privately.” 

Lewis felt his heart speeding up at the invitation. The cigarette burned out in his fingers half forgotten, and he just stared back at the other man with a smile on his lips. “More than happy to,” he said.

An understanding passed between them.  
“Follow me,” Colonel Dobie said, and with that threw his cigarette away and took towards his own billet, and Lewis followed him without a word. 

The house was dark and quiet when they came in, and Dobie led him up to the second floor. He graciously held the door open for Lewis, closed it behind them and turned the key in the lock. There were clearly perks to being a Colonel, because the room was an actual bedroom, perhaps a spacious guestroom with a beautiful dresser, a desk and a good-sized bed against the wall big enough for two. 

Lewis stood there in the middle of the floor and looked straight back at the Colonel, who regarded him for a moment. Lewis knew he was caught and allowed it all. 

Decisively and without any hesitation, Dobie crossed the floor and moved into Lewis’ space. He didn’t push or invade, just stepped close like he belonged there while his hands slid to the back of Lewis’ neck and into his hair. It was all one smooth move and it ended with Lewis being kissed. 

As soon as their lips locked Lewis gasped and shuddered. He hadn’t been kissed in a long time, not in a way that was pleasurable anyway, and that had been way before their jump into the hell pit that was war. Dobie was the leading type of a man and pulled Lewis against him, caressing him carefully and everywhere, not an inch of his back or sides left untouched. 

It felt so good to be gathered up like that, held and guided that Lewis didn’t even realize that they were making their way across the room to the bed before he landed on it. He gasped when his back hit the fluffy mattress and his hips were straddled. 

Dobie let him gasp and breathe and kissed his jaw and neck instead. Lewis fisted his hands in the front of his shirt and pushed it up, and Dobie quickly got rid of his suspenders that were in the way. 

It was slow but heated, a deep grind full of straightforward intimacy. There was a special kind of desperate edge to it, something born out of their circumstances, a need that made them reach for something warm and living and taking everything they could get.  
It had been so damned long Lewis felt every touch burning on his skin and shuddered under the caresses like he was about to come apart at every joint. He closed his eyes, emptied his mind and revelled in it.

Dobie unbuttoned his shirt and kissed down Lewis’ neck. “You sure your fellow won’t mind?” he asked while at it as if he only now remembered. 

Lewis’ eyes flew open and he froze. He didn’t have to ask whom they were talking about. He coughed awkwardly. “He’s not… mine.”

“Oh? I could have sworn that much about the two of you,” Dobie said, genuinely surprised. He was done unbuttoning Lewis’ shirt and pushed his undershirt up to touch his belly. “I didn’t intend to make a serious move on you at all after I saw how the Captain looked at me when I took you away.” 

“What did he look like?” Lewis asked before he could stop himself, eager even to his own ears.

Dobie smiled and pet the side of his face like he was being particularly endearing. “Like he was about to challenge me into a duel for your hand. And the way you look right about now tells me that he might not be yours, but you certainly are his.” 

Lewis felt his throat tightening and his face flushing for a whole new reason. “It’s not like that,” he argued weakly, and the way Dobie raised his brows and smiled told him that it didn’t hold a drop of water. Lewis averted his eyes. All heat he had previously been harbouring died down and left behind a gnawing feeling not unlike guilt.

Dobie sighed deeply and patted his chest, then rolled off of him and flopped down next to him on the bed. 

Lewis rubbed his hands over his face. “Sorry,” he muttered.

“There’s no need, it’s alright,” Dobie said easily. 

“This is not my first time,” Lewis continued to explain, “it’s just – Well, it’s complicated.”

“You’ve got it bad for the Captain,” Dobie quipped. “Nothing complicated about that, my chap.” 

Lewis groaned. “There is! I can’t have him like that, but apparently not anyone else either since I’m too busy mooning over him.”

“Ah, but I would be willing to bet that you would be able to have him, should you give him a signal,” Dobie pointed out.

Lewis waved the notion aside impatiently. “No, I know that, that’s not the point! He tried to make a move on me earlier, but I just can’t do that to him. He’s too… Too good, too proper and all that.”

“Ah. You’re one of those.”

There was an unmistakable note of pity in Dobie’s understanding voice, and Lewis frowned at him. “What?”

Dobie clicked his tongue with sympathy. “Self-loathing is an awful burden, dear Captain. You’d do well to discard it.”

Lewis closed his eyes for a moment and sighed. He turned his face back towards the ceiling and thought about Dick and how confused he was. “It’s not that…” he mused. “He doesn’t know what he’s doing. He doesn’t want anyone like this.”

Dobie tutted, clearly not buying any of that. “Or perhaps you’re just afraid of having him. Look, I’m not saying any of this is easy, I know it isn’t, but we are who we are and there’s no changing that. So, in my opinion, we might as well pursue happiness. Here, look.” He tucked under his shirt, searched for a moment and then pulled out a photograph of a British Air Force pilot who was standing in front of a little English house and smiling to the camera. 

“This is a chap I get to call my own. His name is Thomas and we’ve been a pair for some seven years,” Dobie said while gently petting the picture with his thumb. 

Lewis narrowed his eyes. “And still you’re – “ 

Dobie just laughed and shook his head. “Oh, don’t think of me like that, Thomas knows. We agreed on this. When the war started we knew we were going to be apart for quite some time, so we made arrangements. We are both free to seek the company of other men as long as we don’t love anyone but each other.” 

It sounded like a sensible arrangement, probably made possible by seven years together. That was a long time. Lewis relaxed and stared up to the ceiling. “It’s illegal to be like this back in the States, you know. I’ll be court-martialled and kicked out of the army if I’m found out, too.”

“Yes, I know. It’s the same with us, I’m afraid,” Dobie said. “It’s such a shame too. Being among your fellow men is such a joy, but there will be a vicious punishment if we enjoy each other’s company wrong. Just like in boys’ boarding school.”

Lewis felt a flicker of familiarity and several boyhood memories surged. “Oh yeah, I remember boarding school. There were a lot of very curious guys too. I figured some stuff out there.”

Dobie chuckled warmly with a hint of suggestion in it. Lewis glanced at him and saw a cat-like grin on his face, indicating that he too was taking a trip down the memory lane. “We share that as well, then. In England we were definitely supposed to have close friends, even one truly best friend, but I came to realize that there are friends and then there are _friends_. At one point everyone seemed to have that one beloved best friend, but they grew out of it whereas I didn’t. I may have been young, but I knew.”

“What’s your point?”

Dobie levelled him a look. “My point, my dear fellow degenerate, is to give your friend some credit, and less credit to your own fears.”

“Wow, that’s deep.”

“Impending doom makes a philosopher out of anyone, chap.”

Nixon had to chuckle at that. “Yeah, I’ll give you that.”

Dobie gave him a satisfied smile that told him that he knew his own worth exactly, and Lewis had to suppress an urge to elbow him over it. He knew fully well that the Colonel was right.

He had avoided the thing between himself and Dick while stupidly hoping it would just go away without either one having to do anything about it, and now it was about to be spilled. He felt silly too, because if he hadn’t avoided thinking about it he would have realized that of course Dick wouldn’t back down from it. Dick hated retreating, and if Lewis hadn’t been such a coward in denial, he would have planned ahead.

He sat up from Dobie’s bed. “I think I should leave,” he said. “Sorry about dragging you into this,” he added a bit awkwardly.

Dobie didn’t make a move to get up from the bed, just stretched out more and smirked up at Lewis. “Don’t worry about it. You’re a handsome fellow alright, and I do have something to write my sweetheart about in any case.” 

Lewis couldn’t help the grimacing smirk. He was about to become a story about a blundering idiot of a man in some English pilot’s love letter. “I deserve that,” he sighed, making Dobie laugh.

It was very late when Lewis left the farmhouse and made it across the large yard to the neighbouring one where Easy’s officers were billeted in. Light discipline was in effect and the barn’s windows were boarded and the curtains drawn, but he could tell by the noise that the party was still going on, even if beginning to dwindle down. 

The house was dark and quiet when Lewis came in. He had been living there for weeks now and it felt a little bit like home, but right now its quiet atmosphere was heavy and pressuring. It had nothing to do with the house itself but with what awaited him in the attic chamber, but the time of avoidance that was over. Lewis felt absolutely clueless and even sillier than before, but still made himself start the climb up the stairs.

There was a shimmer of light coming underneath the attic chamber’s door, signalling that Dick was still up. Lewis hesitated by the door and realized he had hoped for the room to be dark so that he’d have another excuse to put the confrontation off, and the realization made him angry enough with himself that he knocked.

“Yes?” Dick’s voice called.

Lewis took a deep breath, opened the door and climbed the last few steps inside. 

Dick was sitting at his desk with a half-finished report in the typewriter, and when he saw Lewis his brows jumped up. “Nix? What are you doing here?”

Lewis shrugged. “Were you expecting someone else?”

Dick rolled his eyes. “No. But I was not expecting you either.”

“Well, here I am anyway,” Lewis said, walked the rest of the stairs up and sat down on the chair on the opposite wall. He let his gaze circle the room even though there was nothing new to see. He had spent so much time in there that it was utterly familiar to him, and now that he took it in, he realized he thought of it as his and Dick’s room instead of just Dick’s. 

“I thought you’d enjoy the party until dawn,” Dick said from his place at the desk. He was still staring at his report even though he made no effort to write anything. He was leaning back in the chair with his arms crossed over his chest and didn’t look at Lewis. 

Lewis huffed a chuckle. “That would have been more my style, wouldn’t it?” He stole a few glances at Dick who in turn refused to even look in his direction, and on the second glance Lewis picked up on the solemnness of his expression. It almost looked like he was sulking, and then Lewis glanced at the little window that had its lacey curtains only partially drawn. That gnawing guilt was suddenly back in Lewis’ gut. 

“You looked like you had some other plans,” Dick said as if he didn’t care at all, confirming Lewis’ suspicions that he had indeed been caught.

“No, look,” Lewis hurried to explain before he even knew what he was going to say, “listen…” 

Dick took a deep breath and huffed it out, his shoulders rising and then slumping. Finally he looked at Lewis, his mouth pressed into a thin line and eyes carefully reserved, but Lewis knew him too well to miss the hurt in them. 

“Nothing really happened, alright?” Lewis assured him. 

Dick only huffed and looked away.

“I’m serious!”

“I saw you leaving with him,” Dick said, his tone faking a lightness like they were discussing mundane things he didn’t really care about anyway. “It’s fine. You can do what you want, it’s none of my business.” 

“Please, listen,” Lewis pleaded, “nothing happened, okay? Sure, I went to his room with him, but nothing came of it and he sent me on my way.”

“Oh, poor you,” Dick said, a drop of acid in his tone. 

“No, I didn’t mean – “ Lewis stopped himself to sigh. He was really sabotaging himself with the way he was fumbling and making himself sound like a rejected wooer didn’t help. He drew a steadying breath and tried again. “I owe you the truth, right? After all this time I’d say that I do.”

Dick gave him a look that was definitely unhappy but didn’t otherwise protest.

“Okay,” Lewis said, mostly to himself, and paused to gather up his words and courage. He fumbled for his jacket’s breast pocket and his flask and took a quick drink since there was no way Dick was getting any more annoyed with him. “Right,” he muttered while stuffing his flask away. He licked his lips and took a few calming breaths, trying to clear his head and get to the point.

Lewis made himself look Dick in the eye. “I’m sorry.”

Dick blinked at him. A reserved curiosity took over the sulk, and Lewis internally sighed in relief. At least he was being heard out.

“Yes, I did go with him, and yes, we kissed some,” Lewis admitted despite the guilt strangling his guts as he spoke. He felt more like a cheater than he ever had about anything he’d done behind his wife’s back. “But it didn’t go any further because I just couldn’t make myself. And believe it or not, the good Colonel didn’t want to sleep with a man who would be thinking about someone else during it.” 

Saying that was exactly as long as Lewis could make himself hold eye contact with Dick and he dropped his gaze to the floor. He longed to get another drink but didn’t dare to test Dick’s good graces by getting his flask out again.

“The Colonel said that, huh?” Dick asked. His tone was meeker now, the coldness and the faked aloofness long gone. 

Lewis glanced up, but now it was Dick who was staring at his own hands.

“He did, yeah. Well, not in those words. He asked if I was sure that ‘my fellow’ wouldn’t mind me being there with him,” Lewis explained. His heart jumped when he repeated those words, and he felt like such an idiot for ignoring that for this long. 

A smile threatened to bloom on Dick’s face but he suppressed it by biting his lower lip. “And what did you say?” 

Lewis bowed his head again. His leg was jiggling nervously. “I told him that you aren’t mine.”

“But still he gave up on you?” Dick pressed. His voice was urgent. He was going for a full head-on collision, and even though Lewis had known that this thing would be solved since the moment he had walked up the stairs, now it became real. 

Now it was real, and all of what had held him back until now came back in full force, and cold fear made the blooming joy and excitement wither. He couldn’t bring himself to look up again. “He could tell that I wanted you and no one else, and then I told him that yes, I want you and that I’ve wanted you since Toccoa but I haven’t done anything about because…” his voice grew thinner and smaller until it broke. He didn’t know why, he wasn’t saying anything he didn’t already know or hadn’t accepted, but regardless his heart was beating painfully fast and his palms were cold and clammy

“Why, Lew?”

“Because I’m ruined,” Lewis managed to force out. “I’m already… Like this. But you don’t have to be. I don’t want to do that to you and ruin your life too just because I –”

Dick was up and around the desk in the matter of seconds. “Lew… Oh, Lew,” he said, like there was nothing else to say. He came over so fast that Lewis startled, all sorts of wild ideas flashing through his mind from Dick running away to taking him by the lapels and kissing him, but eventually he simply knelt on the floor before him and took his hands in his. 

“Don’t be afraid,” Dick said gently, his thumbs petting Lewis’ knuckles. 

Lewis lifted his gaze to him and felt his breath coming to a halt when he met the soft smile and kind eyes. He let his hands be held. 

“It’s okay, Lew, I promise,” Dick assured him, earnest and comforting. 

Lewis shook his head. “No, you don’t get it. You’re too good for this, I can’t mix you into this. You’ll get in trouble and lose everything, and I can’t do that to you,” he kept insisting, trying to will Dick to understand.

“You don’t need to worry about me,” Dick countered firmly, squeezing Lewis’ hands. 

Lewis shook his head more harshly. He had to make Dick understand somehow, he still didn’t get it, and it felt like they were having two different conversations and getting their points mixed up. “Yes, yes I do. That’s what friends do, and I really care about you, and this is the best thing I can do for you!” 

Dick gave a small sigh and didn’t say anything for a moment. He didn’t get up from the floor either, seemingly content to stay on his knees on the floor and hold Lewis’ hands in his. It was starting to feel awkward, having a man like Dick Winters before him like this, so open and genuine with his affection and never even thinking twice about kneeling on a hard floor for Lewis’ sake.

“Lewis, I want you to listen to me, and listen very carefully,” Dick said after a long silence. He was still idly petting Lewis’ knuckles and peering up to him. 

Lewis could only nod. 

Dick nodded back. “I have known that I was different since I was thirteen years old and had a crush on another boy on our baseball team. I kissed a boy for the first time during my time in college. I’ve been like this for a long time before I even met you, Lewis, and I’m glad I am because I get to be here with you now, and feel like this about you.”

For a long moment Lewis could only stare. The words registered to him but some very pessimistic part about him refused to understand them. He swallowed thickly and had to rapidly blink to get rid of a sudden sting in his eyes. 

Dick flashed him a smile and finally let go of his hands, then pushed himself back up to his feet. “I’m, uh, also sorry about snapping at you earlier. The thought of you with some other guy was just so… Well, I just hated it.”

“Oh, yeah, I hated it too. Screw the other guys,” Lewis agreed, never able to break his habit to joke around serious topics. He pushed himself up from the chair too despite feeling a bit uncertain on his feet and outright scared of standing toe to toe with Dick, who didn’t take a single step back. 

Locking eyes felt electric, and Lewis felt like he let Dick stare right through him and see all of his deepest secrets, but still he forced himself to meet his gaze. Dick’s eyes were bright and blue and full of anticipation and hope. He was slightly flushed under his freckles, visibly so only thanks to his complexion, and there was a nervous tug of a smile on his lips. 

“Lew,” Dick said quietly. He hesitated, shifted on his feet a bit and extended one hand carefully into Lewis’ space, barely hinting at wanting to touch him. “I really like you.” He said it like it was a grand confession, a damning secret that could only be whispered to the closest of friends, and with an accelerating joy that bounced inside Lewis’ ribcage like a rabbit Lewis realized that he was that close friend. The best friend, the friend who was _liked_. 

Summoning his voice and the capability to speak in full sentences was a hard task with his mouth dry and his heart beating in his throat, but Lewis managed: “I like you too.”

Dick flashed him a brilliant smile and for a moment looked like he would do something drastic, like spin in joy or throw himself at Lewis, but almost right away Dick regained control over himself, cleared his throat and nodded. He was definitely flushed now. 

“Here,” he said, voice hoarse with emotion, and reached over with his hand, offering his palm to Lewis, who accepted it as easily as anything Dick asked of him. He was then gently but firmly pulled into Dick’s chest and promptly wrapped in a tight embrace with Dick’s arms around him, his chin resting on his shoulder and palms flat on his back.

All breath was knocked out of Lewis when he was squeezed. His hands flew up to grasp the back of Dick’s shirt, but all strength was gone from his fingers and he could only tangle them into the fabric. Dick sighed into his neck and pressed his cheek against Lewis’, and Lewis took shallow gasps of breath and started to shiver. 

Dick hummed and held him tighter. He nuzzled his cheek against Lewis’. “You’re trembling,” he muttered into his ear.

Lewis almost laughed aloud. “That’s your fault.” 

Dick made a happy sound, like muffled laughter. “I’m not sorry.”

Lewis laughed quietly too. He let himself to be held, and the longer the embrace went on the better it felt, and he could let himself relax in it. He leaned into Dick and trusted him to hold his weight, and considering how strong and fit he was, Lewis must have felt no heavier than a kitten to him. He inhaled deeply to really feel the moment with his every sense. He had always known how good Dick smelled, but this was the first time he was so close that he could match the dark sweet scent to the softness of his hair and the subtle tang of shaving soap to his cheek.

Lewis rubbed his cheek against the side of Dick’s face. “You said you didn’t want to pressure me,” he muttered.

Dick hummed. His palms kept slowly running up and down Lewis’ back, both holding and petting him. “Uh-huh. I thought you were a blend of shy and scared of court-martial. I was prepared to wait until our discharge at least.”

“And what if I would come around before that?”

Dick made a pleased humming sound and turned his head on Lewis’ shoulder to press his forehead against his temple, his lips brushing against his cheek as he spoke. “I was thinking that we might maybe get 48-hour passes and go out together. Do it like all the other sweethearts do.” 

It sounded perfect, and because it was Dick saying it he really must have meant all of it. “Yeah. Yeah, let’s do that,” Lewis agreed. He buried his face in Dick’s shoulder and allowed himself to smile and let go of all his fears and doubts. None of them stood a chance against being held in Dick’s arms like this.


End file.
